Starting Again

It started as a stone flying through the air.  It struck you and sent you to your knees.  The stone became a boulder that you placed on your shoulders; too heavy to lift.  Then came the first shovel-full of dirt.  Specks of dust fell from your hair and wiggled their way down your back.  Another shovel-full of dirt, then another, and another.  It didn’t take long for you to become buried with the boulder on your back and mud surrounding you.  Darkness consumed you.  A hand reached through the grave and you latched onto it for dear life.  It pulled you through and lifted you into the air.

 

Your arms are spread wide as you hover three feet off the ground and the sunlight touches your face.  The wind knocks free all the dirt clinging to your skin.  You hear the birds singing for the first time in a long time.  You smell the flowers surrounding you in the field.  Peace washes over you as you float back down to the ground. 

There’s the road before your feet; divided in two directions.  You know one of the ways.  You’ve been down that road before.  Pain awaits.  You don’t know the other path; how many hills there will be to climb, how many deserts to suffer through, how many nirvanas to lavish in.

You take a knee; this time without the boulder on your shoulders.  Strength fills your soul and prompts you to get up.  A spark ignites a passion for the unknown.  The known path will not control you any longer.  You remove its map from your pocket and set it ablaze.  You take a step in the direction of new life.  Words appear on the ground before you; engraved in stone and bold.  In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

You catch a glimpse of the road ahead.  There are dark clouds, but sunlight beyond.  There are mountains, but valleys of peace.  There are thorns, but acres of willow trees.  Will you continue on this new journey or turn back to the road of ease?  Taking another step forward you feel arms embracing you in thanks for continuing.  A voice whispers on the breeze, “I will always be with you.” 

Help Me Fix My Marriage

I struggled with titling this post.  I wanted to put Mending Broken Bridges or Healing My Marriage or even More Than Just a Band-Aid.  Although a title may be hard to come up with I want to speak on the importance of finding peace with your spouse, soon to be ex, or ex-partner.

The world would be a better place if there existed a room where a couple could go to get it all out of their system.  Here are some facts that apply to most divorces that I’ve found to be true.  There will be pain and suffering.  There will be murky waters and unexplained questions whose answers never come about.  Peace will eventually arrive.  And understanding is the guest that has an invitation to the party, but no one knows if or when it will show up.

 

Alright, in this room a couple has as long as it takes to get all of that out of the way.  The wife asks why the affair arose.  She gets all the information she wants so she can have closure.  The husband might ask about the way his wife treats him or doesn’t treat him a certain way.  The point is, the couple gets all the pain out of the way.  They scream at each other, they cry, but they repeat themselves until the other person has the answers to the questions they need an explanation for.

Session two in the room consists of planning.  She tells him she is getting the house and child support.  He tells her he is keeping the boat and getting to see his children three weekends a month.  They can fight about the plans and try to adjust them to fit both their wants, but they come to an agreement on how life will go forward.  If she says she is getting the house and he disagrees, then he will be ready to fight against that in court and she will be ready for the fight.  But they both know the plan and where the future is heading.

Session three in the room deals with healing.  Both parties calm themselves and look past all the “things” in life and say their apologies.  If the husband isn’t sorry for anything, then he voices it.  The wife can react in any way she wants.  This session takes all the maturity each adult has learned over a lifetime and they practice it with sensitivity.  This room is starting to sound like it belongs on another planet. 

Here’s my point.  Watch a movie, read a book, talk to someone about the years after a divorce.  It may take one or fifteen, but there will come a time when that princess you married that became a witch during the divorce turns into an acquaintance.  She mothers your children and you talk to her about the kids and other day to day “stuff”.  The anger and jealousy is gone.  She is just another person walking this earth.  That will or should happen one day.  Getting to that day shouldn’t take so long.  If you could press fast-forward or enter that magical room, then you could both go about your separate lives without all the drama, intent on hurting, suffering, etc…

If the years that we look back on and say, “Yeah, those were pretty rough,” could become weeks, then maybe this wouldn’t happen.  “Children from fatherless homes account for 63 percent of youth suicides, 71 percent of the pregnant teenagers, 90 percent of the homeless and runaway children, and 70 percent of the institutionalized juveniles. They account for 85 percent of the children with behavioral disorders, 80 percent of rapists, 71 percent of all high school dropouts, 75 percent of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers and 85 percent of all youths in prison.”  (http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/main/u-s-divorce-rates-and-statistics-1037.shtml).

You’ve heard the phrase, “Man up, men, and be a dad.”  Sometimes that’s hard when a vindictive woman is pushing the man further and further from the family, so “Man up, women, and let the man be a dad.”  Whatever the situation is, the children need both parents to be key roles and not second-rate actors in the play of life.

So, help yourself fix your marriage by creating this room to communicate all the broken feelings and get to work on repairing them.  Mend the broken bridges or construct new ones where clear understanding can travel often.  Heal the wounds with more than just a Band-Aid, so the sores don’t remain.  With maturity, press fast-forward and get to the point where dad can be dad, mom can be mom, or bygones can be bygones.

Religion and Spirituality in a Divorce

Why do people get religious during or after a divorce?  Out of all the couples, young and old, that I know who have gone through a divorce at least one of the two got closer to God.  I’ve mentioned religion in a few posts before; therefore I will try to keep the repetition to a minimum.

 There seems to be an “extreme only” button that people push when they get scared.  Several fears creep into the minds of those separating for the first time; fear of being alone, fear of future stability, fear of income, fear of expenses, fear of sustaining oneself, and the list goes on.  Then, the “extreme only” button is pushed; meaning a person dives head first into a lifestyle only part of their former self practiced.

Out of the aforementioned couples I can think of three examples where religion became the extreme.  Now, by saying “extreme” I don’t want to give a negative vibe to the word.  Example; the female going through her divorce turned to God, bought a new Bible, started praying fervently for restoration, and became a better person when the dust settled.  The male from that relationship went in the opposite direction.  He became a whore and used his freedom to sleep with as many women as possible.  This lifestyle didn’t last, but that became his extreme.  Almost the same could be said about the other two couples; one man seeking God and the other where both parties turned to religion.

If you know someone who has done the same thing in their divorce, then understanding their actions might be simpler than imagined.  Something bad happened, even in a mutually agreed upon divorce, and they need help.  The question “Why?” arises and they need answers.  The self-worth of a person is seriously damaged and they need to feel of value again.  Pain enters and they need relief.

God can provide all of these things and more.  I want to say that most people in America are religious or have been exposed to God at one time in their life.  With each new responsibility added in marriage parts of someone’s relationship with God fade.  This is even true for the family that regularly attends church together.  When disaster strikes one tends to revert back to a place of security.  Some might go back home to their parents while others seek security with lifelong friends.  Others go back to God for help.   

Will pushing the “extreme only” ensure happiness in the long run?  If the extreme is seeking God, then I believe the answer can only be a profound YES.  God values each and every one of us and strengthening your relationship with him will ONLY better you.  If the extreme is seeking satisfaction through sex, alcohol, drugs, or any other form of self destruction, then the answer is an obvious NO.  Consequences for these actions are many; STDs, addiction, depreciation of self, and possible damage done to your children, if they are present.

My advice is to try and keep away from pressing that button and sending your life into a whirlwind of disaster.  Try to stay stable because the pain will fade and normalcy will return one day.  If you have to go extreme, then put your trust in God and let him do the dramatic changing in your life.

If you have an issue with believing in God, trusting a higher authority, or think God isn’t around in times like these, then my next post will be for you; God’s Lottery Ticket.

Terza Rima Poem

Autumn’s Love

 

Your eyes shine with love that melts my heart away.

Your touch sparks life that blossoms and never dies.

Your words speak happiness and bring joy today.

 

A darkened world became brighter, no surprise,

The day you were born and wiggled in my arms.

In your first cry you promised to change my life.

 

Starting to grow; your every movement, a charm.

Your value doubled until your worth topped gold.

You are delicate and should never feel harm.

 

My dreams evolved, now wanting you when I’m old.

Through college, marriage, grandkids, I will be part. 

Your miracle, I am, when life becomes cold. 

 

The day you were born I promised you my heart.

You changed me, held me, loved me all from the start.

What If Divorce Is The Only Way?

Up to this point it might seem as if I am arguing for marriage and considering divorce an abomination to God.  Some translations of Malachi 2:16 says, “For I hate divorce.”  Let’s explore that first.  I think the point God tried to make with Israel, His people, us, was and is the importance of a covenant or contract; basically keeping one’s word and not breaking it.  That has become menial in our society with contracts always being broken.  If God hates divorce, then what does He love?  The answer is simple and obvious; everyone.  But God doesn’t love sin.  Tie all that together and I come to the conclusion that sometimes divorce is alright.

A man becomes abusive toward his wife.  He slaps her and sometimes even hits here with a balled up fist.  He screams at her and makes her feel less than human.  He tells her how much he loves her and can’t live without her.  He has become her controller and implants a fear in her that keeps her around.  If the man cannot change, will not seek help, and continues to be abusive, then the woman should divorce him and do it quickly.

A man or woman becomes abusive toward their children.  God loves children.  If a child is being abused, then I believe a divorce should be sought immediately.  No questions asked.  The abuser should be locked away because that scarred child is going to grow up and affect the lives around them.  The waves of repercussions go too far outward.

A woman controls her husband through verbal abuse.  She will not seek help or change.  She drives the man to misery by making him feel unimportant and less than those around him.  The man should get a divorce.

You notice I mention changing from an abusive state in each of these situations.  Unless a car accident, diagnosis of death, or eye-opening experience happens this change cannot come without the grace of God.  If a change does happen and divorce is avoided, then I believe a trial time should be exercised.  If the person reverts back to an abusive state, then a divorce should happen.

Why a divorce in these dramatic scenarios?  Because the person or child being abused will not be able to have an abundant relationship with God otherwise.  How can a woman go to church, sing praise and worship, listen to the word of God, and come home to a fist in the face and still feel close to her creator?  It can’t happen, healthfully.  She has a better chance at a happy life away from her husband.

Rape is a form of abuse.  Constant unfaithfulness is a form of abuse.  Emotional bondage is a form of abuse.  If abuse is happening in a relationship, then a counselor or therapist should be the immediate step toward recovery.  If the abuse continues, then divorce should happen.     

Some things we learn as children should not be forgotten when we grow up.  Children hate every form of pain.  They don’t like to be screamed at.  They don’t like to break a bone.  They don’t like to get hit by bullies.  Pain does not have to be a part of our adulthood.  But unhappiness should not be considered a form of pain. Change should be the first priority and if change cannot or will not come, then getting away from the pain is the only step left.

Sometimes divorce is the only way.  But in most cases divorce is an out that will cause more pain in the lives of the family being broken by selfishness.  Think about your situation of unhappiness and where the pain lies.  Try to seek help in alleviating the pain.  You take aspirin or drink water for a headache.  There might be a solution for the pain in your marriage.  Don’t begin this mission halfheartedly and lie to yourself when you say you tried everything.  Try to fall in love again and fix your family.  If you can’t, then get a lawyer and remove the pain from your life.  Your relationship with God will grow.    

What Will Happen To My Children In A Divorce

One of two things happened; either you learned to communicate and listen or you didn’t.  There are several levels of communication and different frequencies, just like a radio.  When marriage first crossed your mind you were probably on the right station and you heard everything important that your boyfriend/girlfriend was saying.  You acted on the requests; buying her daisies because she thought roses were too cliché.  You compromised; not playing video games on the weekend so you could spend time with her outside of the house.  You shared; allowing him to pick the movie the two of you went to see.  You trusted; believing he was right in the job he wanted to leave and the one he wanted to start.

So, things took a turn down the road and a layer of thin ice developed on your relationship.  They bought a pair of skates just like you knew they would.  If there are children in your family I want to share with you the dangers of continuing the thought process of a divorce and urge you to reconsider.  Just remember that day when you told yourself you would do anything for the other; fight, kill, and even die.  Get some gasoline and be ready to douse that dwindling flame.

Children are resilient.  I’ve come to dislike that saying.  It’s true and denying it would make one a fool.  But children get hurt just as easily as adults, sometimes more so.  Psychologists get paid to explore the levels of hurt children bring into their adult lives; abandonment, “daddy-issues”, depression, self worth, and the list goes on.

Your son bursts from his car seat and runs to the park.  The first thing he does is ask his dad to follow him up the ladders and down the slides.  When he reaches the bottom he asks his mom to push him on the swings.  He then wants his dad to spin him in the air like a helicopter before running back to his mom because he fell and scraped his knee.  The child doesn’t have to stop and think about the family being together and having fun.  It’s simply the world he knows.

The family stops being a family and one of the adults move out.  The boy is at the park with his mom.  She pushes him on the swing and runs around with him, but the dad isn’t there to lift him in the air.  The boy knows the excuse and can’t wait to see his dad on the weekend, but part of him wishes he was there like before.  When the weekend comes he explodes with joy to see his dad.  They go to the park and reenact areal battles and jump off swings and spin in circles until lunch threatens to join the grass.  The boy looks for his mom and wishes she could be there too.

Fast-forward.  The boy resents his dad for not being there for him when he needed him the most.  All he wanted to do was tell him about the bully at school.  He wanted to brag about making an A in English.  He wanted to show off the picture he drew in Art class.  He wanted to ask why his girlfriend’s lips were so wet with that first kiss.  Or, he wanted to cry to his mom because his feelings got hurt.  He wanted to show his mom the picture he took with his camera.

As an adult we long for the connection of human relationships.  We need someone to talk to when we feel bad.  We need to share our joy with others when something good happens to us.  We find those people and make ourselves feel better through our conversations or cries.  Children need the same thing, but it’s not as easy for them to find the right people to talk with.  They started out with a man and a woman in their life that gave them the necessary attention for each new chapter in their life.  Now, a key character is missing and one parent is forced to play the role of both mom and dad.  They simply can’t do it.  It’s not natural for the adult or the child.  “Getting through it” becomes the motto.

This is just one small sliver of the picture.  Children need both parents for the right advice at the right time.  They need both sets of shoulders to cry on.  They need both kisses at night.  It all boils down to the simplest part of our human nature core; we need both parents in our lives to achieve the greatest outcome for our future.  If that reason isn’t enough to continue fighting against divorce, then something has become a part of you that should be removed.  If you don’t want to remove it, then know that your children will suffer in one way or another and some time down the road you will have to face the pain again.

The Key to Preventing a Divorce

The Search for Happiness.

Question: Why is it considered acceptable to get a divorce? I’m willing to bet that regardless of your social status, ethnicity, economic standing, working class, or religious preference you can ask five of your closest friends if divorce has affected their family and three of them will have a long story to share with you. I believe that we should search and find happiness in this short life we have on this planet, but selfishness might leave a wake of destruction greater than the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

There they are; sitting across the candlelit table from you.  There is nothing more beautiful in this world.  Your insides are dancing at the thought of touching their lips with yours.  They’re so funny.  Their laugh inspires you to come up with jokes.  Their touch is like heaven on earth.  You would do anything for them, forever.  Fast-forward.  You can’t stand their annoying laugh.  They have no sense of humor.  Everything they do annoys you.  You can’t wait to go to work so you won’t have to look at them one moment longer.  Where did that spark go?  Where did the knight in shining armor disappear to?  When did your princess become a witch?

In this first post I want to search for the root of the breakdown.  All the important details of the relationship (children, faith, independence, freedom, etc…) will follow later on.

In the 1.5 million books I’ve read about relationships, divorces, marriage, and love, (I haven’t read that many books in my life, but there are about that many out there on the subject) I’ve found one common factor; communication.  Talking to your spouse is the key that developed that special friendship and took it to another level.  Communication made you strong enough to have the courage to stand in front of your family, friends, and Elvis Presley in Las Vegas to say those two simple words, “I do.”  Chances are if you’re viewing your other half as a disease at this point, then your communication has dwindled or stopped completely.  Why is that?

Does this sound familiar?  “Tom, what’s on your mind?”  “Cindy, what’s got you down?”  Insert your name into the question and place you at work or in the setting with your friends.  They ask you what’s going on and you open up like a book.  It feels good to talk about your problems at home.  All you want is an ear to listen; sometimes you are willing to pay for that ear and get a prescription at the end of the session.  Whatever the case is, that’s fine.  It’s excellent!  But why is it so easy to talk to your friend about Bob’s snoring and lack of intimacy to Patty and not to Bob himself?

If your relationship is failing or on a downward spiral, then I bet this one phrase will get the ball rolling faster or put the brakes on so that you can begin the healing process in your relationship; “(Name of your spouse) I can see us separating in the future, can we talk about our relationship?” Bam!  Now, they know what you are thinking and it’s probably the same thing they are.  Now, they know that you see yourself without them in the future.  Now, they can make the choice to be absent from your future or simply part their lips and begin to communicate again.

Personally, I think it is worth one more shot at repairing the brokenness and starting again.  If an affair is involved , then counseling is more than likely needed.  If children are involved, then fight as if your life depends on it.  Either way, you are going to become a statistic; that of divorce or that of the family that chose to stay together for the betterment of life.  The only sure thing about what’s to come is if you don’t see your spouse as the knight in shining armor again or the princess of beauty and talk with them like they are your best friend, (remember when you rejected all rational from your friends and family and only listened to them in the first place), then you will end up living separate lives and alone in the near future.

Talk.  It may start a fight, it may produce tears, it may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.  But talk to them and listen to what they have to say.  No relationship in the history of time ever began or sustained without communication.  Even the unconscious car accident victim’s body speaks to the doctors to let them know what is wrong and what needs to happen to save their life.  You’re not unconscious and neither is your spouse.  Talk.  And listen.